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Caroline, 4th grade Grand Prize Winner
My note to Caroline: I LOVED your first line! Rather than writing "I felt shy, or I felt self-conscious," you hit the reader straight off with an example. What you did is called showing, not telling, and that's an important concept in creative writing.
You provided many details, from how the other kids watched your every movement right down to the color of the chair. Your essay included examples all new kids can relate to: the feeling of being stared at; feeling ignored; feeling angry. The story about how that girl passed out papers to everyone but you demonstrated how a new kid sometimes really is ignored. I liked how you described your feelings afterward.
I was impressed with your insight. You mentioned that most kids get used to a new kid, but that maybe the reason the other kids didn't get used to you was because you were quiet. That's an excellent observation and yet another detail that made your essay stand out.
Your paper shows a lot of thought and effort. Not only did your entry cover all the points on my rubric, it also contained humor. The bathroom line made me laugh, and maybe I shouldn't say this, but I also laughed about you wanting to beat that girl up and why you didn't. Many writers find humor difficult to create, so your being able to do so is a real testament to your writing ability.
Caroline, I am pleased to give you the award for Grand Prize Winner. Your writing was funny, yet, at the same time, you really conveyed the sense of what it's like to feel all alone when you are the new kid. You are a talented writer. Keep it up!
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